A Suicide

I am standing on the edge of a bridge

Looking down at the water below.

It is so far down I cannot even see a shadow.

Because my loved ones

Have no answer to my unanswerable questions,

Because I refuse to cry out to them

At an amplitude that fully measures my pain

For fear of destroying them

And what is best of myself,

I am here to destroy

What is left of my life,

To take charge in the last

And only true struggle I have ever known.

Still there is hope in me—

Hope that I have lived well,

That my memory will be cherished

And that this final decision

Will not be misunderstood.

This life was thrust upon me against my will

And now, with my will, I will thrust myself from it.

How strange, to be without fear,

Without the covetous desperation for life

That binds most men to their unknown

And inexplicable destinies!

And yet, could any destiny be any more
Inexplicable than this one?

Very well. Let this last question go unanswered.

I will leave this world as I have lived,

In great denial, and free.

I am leaning forward now,

Bowing finally and faithfully

To a God I would have otherwise forsaken.

All throughout my body,

My nerves shoot off like fireworks,

And my mind is illuminated,

All my thoughts blinded

By a singular, ethereal white light.

My memories, as if weightless,

Are left in a trail behind me

As the vacuum of oblivion

Takes my breath away.

Like little bubbles, those memories

Float off into the sky,

Where, like clouds, they will dissipate

And be lost forever.

Memories of love won

And love lost, the bitter sweetness

Lingering. And the lust, the maliciousness

That once consumed my soul

Has left me, not even a memory.

In my purity, I can see myself as a boy

In my father’s arms, each incoming wave

Lifting us, then dropping us down

As we waded through the sea.

Falling, I feel myself picking up speed,

And, acknowledging my body,

I recognize finally the choice I have made.

Only for a moment, I panic,

But it is fleeting, like the remnants of a dream.

The choice has been made,

There is no turning back.

I fade, and do not even

Brace myself for impact.

A sweet and harmonious sound awakens me

As if from a dream. It is a sound I had forgotten

But was planted deep within my memory,

A burning ember in the core of my being

That fueled the fire of my soul

All my life, and I never knew it.

Not until now.

It is the sound of my mother singing

A peaceful, easy melody.

She is holding me in her arms,

Gently rocking me back and forth.

I open my eyes and see her youthful face.

I am just a babe.

It is something like a memory, only

Not fleeting, and more ethereal.

I am somehow floating above the place

Where dream and memory collide.

Nestled in the warmth of my mother’s embrace,

I recognize that I have not departed, but still somehow

Arrived.