On God and Suicide

In many moments of great despair, I have asked God, as if asking a friend for advice, “God, what should I do?” Almost without exception, I heard a voice say, “Kill yourself.” But always, without exception, I have denied this order. Why? Hadn’t I always been taught that there was a higher power within me? And indeed this voice that I heard might not be without its validity. Perhaps I am a burden to those I am around. Perhaps indeed the world could benefit from my death. But still, I deny this order. I deny it because there is a higher power than that which exists in the deepest crevices of my brain. It is the desire of my body to live, to enjoy pleasure, fulfillment, and love.
            Almost always, in these circumstances, I have had to deny the existence of a God that I so deeply believed in, in order to keep on living. And I also remembered the story of Abraham and Isaac from the Bible. Abraham was commanded to kill his own son, but he was stopped at the last moment by an angel. What is this angel? How does it manifest itself in our lives? Without exception, when I heard the voice of what I believed to be God telling me to kill myself, I went and sought out a friend, an ear that would listen, and understand. These people that are around us are the angels, the true interpreters of God’s voice. Without these people, these angels, how are we to know whether the voice we hear in our minds is God or the devil? We cannot determine this for ourselves. Even the most holy of men must have guidance, they must be checked by those who can see with God’s true eyes the meaning of what they are experiencing, and what is truly possible.

Therefore, if one must deny the existence of God in order to save his own life or the life of another, then I say, all for the better. Those old poets that tell you to listen for a voice are not infallible. Sometimes we must deny the voice. We must live as if living, no matter with great sin or great injustice, was the only thing that truly mattered. To breathe, to feel, that is Godly enough in my opinion. That we must bury ourselves beneath some great divine manifestation that may or may not be a mere manifestation of our own imaginations is simply absurd. We ourselves can be gods. Gods who form our own destinies. Let martyrs be martyrs. Let them die for the great causes. You yourself are a great cause. Live for it! Forget the divine. Learn to love the worldly, the substantial. It is all we know that exists. If you hear a voice that says, “Die,” seek out life. Life is what should be worshiped. Worshipped with every breath.